The Death Of A Friend: Do We Ever Really “Get Over It”?
Okay, so this blog is a
little Lot personal for me, as I suppose I’m going to discuss/debate something that I’ve never really opened up to anyone about, to be honest, I’m not sure how many of you reading this knowing me and who I am, will know about this incident in my life (Unless we go way back or are particularly close, then you may know about this).
When I was fourteen, I lost my best friend Amanda, in what were quite frankly, so absolutely horrible circumstances, Amanda was older than me by 2 years, she was 16 at the time. This loss came at a point in my life when I wasn’t entirely in the frame of mind to effectively deal with it, meaning that it hit me and knocked me further sideways than I like to admit. I was devastated, the one person who I was closest to in the whole world had just been ripped away from me, and it hurt like hell.
The question I’m asking is, Do we ever “get over” that loss in our lives?
Personally, I think not, I believe that we find ways of coping with that loss, and we come to terms with the fact that we will never see that person again, we’ll never share a joke with them, never get to talk to them and all of the other things that you enjoyed together, however, I don’t believe that you ever “get over” that loss, especially if it happens when you’re young, I think adults are better equipped at dealing with such situations, it’s a rule of life that the older you get, the more funerals you will have to attend, and the more people you lose. Young people on the other hand, have very little experience of great loss e.g, A close relative or friend passing away, therefore this loss is likely to affect young people in a worse way.
Now. my friend has been gone for 4 years next Wednesday, and I know that for me, the hole in my heart and the pain that I feel when I think about Amanda, is still the same as it was the second I got the news that she was gone, I have however learnt to deal with the pain now. Now, maybe this is just me, I mean, we all deal with pain and loss differently, everyone deals with grief and its stages in a way appropriate for them. We learn to deal/cope with the pain, and we get used to the feelings and the person no longer being around.
After I lost Amanda, I found myself trying to replace the feelings I had when we were together, I tried to replicate the warmth I felt around her, the unconditional acceptance that she made me feel, the fact that I could wonder around wearing an outfit that was very outlandish and she would still agree to be seen in public with me. This led to me getting into a relationship that wasn’t the most healthy thing for me at the time, I formed a dependency on that person, they were the only thing that made me happy and then when he wasn’t there, the darkness would slowly creep in, the depression would return and the sense of loss would return with a vengeance, I would feel guilty for being happy, guilty for trying to replace her, this led to ultimately the biggest downward spiral I could imagine. I brought down those around me, making them suffer for my pain and my inability to deal with that pain, when people asked me to talk about it, I would dance around the issue, pretending that it didn’t hurt me, that I wasn’t bothered, that I didn’t care. The world I knew had seemingly crumbled away, however, this wasn’t the case, one person in my world had gone, not everyone and everything, there were still people around me who cared, people who wanted to make sure that I was okay. I personally pushed those people away, I’d spend every day wanting to cry, yet I’d never discuss it with anyone, I’d never open up about how I felt, This was the single biggest mistake I made throughout the situation. The one thing I would advise anyone who is going through this situation or one similar, is accept the help being offered to you, talk to those around you, if you’re having a bad day with your grief tell them, they will understand, Just don’t ice people out, as eventually, instead of losing one person, you do lose everyone, because you pushed everyone away.
Today, If asked about the situation, I will talk about it, don’t get me wrong, I don’t shout about the situation, and I don’t volunteer the information to anyone and everyone, and if I can, I will certainly avoid any discussion on the topic, but that’s just how I cope, the pain is still just as fresh as it always has been, and I still miss my best friend everyday, hell, some days, even four years on, I wake up and forget that she isn’t here any more and that I won’t be walking into school to be greeted by her smiling face.
So, to sum up my opening question, Do we ever really “get over” it, No we don’t, we probably never will. Every person is different, the stronger ones amongst us may do, however most won’t.
Thank you for reading.
Rest In Peace – Amanda Llewelyn-Bowen – 17th January 1994 – 3rd June 2011. – Gone from Earth but not from my heart, I miss you always. Sleep tight Panda.